A pity. That's what it is. It's an outright pity that it remains illegal for we, the people, to saunter down to our local bookmaker and put down a tenner, or so, on a favourite sporting event. I feel compelled to embark on an essay linking this injustice to well-tanned Mafioso lobbyists, government-sanctioned numbers rackets, and the continued devaluation of the Honduran lempira, but I have chosen to eschew such compulsions, close my eyes, and imagine myself a Nevadan.
Raiders (+4) at Chiefs
I pose to you, dear reader, this: how best to describe this alleged contest? The unmoving force meets the nonexistent object? The battle for Eugene Monroe? Amazingly, this one is trending, albeit only slightly, back towards the Chiefs. Perhaps the wiseguys have chosen to ignore that Lane Kiffin is clearly trying to get fired. Or, and this is the more likely scenario, the smart money knows that no one, BUT NO ONE, can match Herm Edwards for in-game ineptitude. Given the complete collapse of Oakland's once-staunch defense, which I attribute to Rob Ryan's Samson-like shearing of his once-illustrious locks, and the mercy killing of Brody Croyle, I'm comfortable bucking this tiniest of trends. Gimme the Chefs! Oh, and lest ye forget: Thank you, Bernard Pollard, for killing my fantasy team.
Titans (pk) at Bengals
I can only imagine Vince Young's latest foray into the realm of childish petulance influenced this line. Young's latest tomfoolery has surprised everyone but.......well......no one. Even fat, fatuous, fabulator Jason Whitlock called this one. (A quick note on Whitlock: Despite vacillating wildly between prescience, silly egocentric satire, and hamfisted, if not heartfelt, social commentary, I usually consider him one of the good guys. That is, until, I see or hear him on TV or radio and remember what a self-serving windbag he can be.) I'd sit on this one as long as I can, my paduwan learner, for the more the odds makers let this one fester, the more they'll hope that Kerry Collins, he of the drinking and the driving, will scare the proles into taking the Bengals. This logic dictates that we should ignore two important ratios:
1) 7 : 19. The former representing the number of touchdowns Young threw last year, with the latter being interceptions.
2) 2 : 4. The former being the number of DUIs perpetrated by the Titans (Jevon Kearse says hello.), with the latter being the number of DUIs perpetrated by the Bengals (Chris Henry says hello. Twice.).
As you can see, the numbers all point to the Titans not being in as much trouble as one might think. Let CincinAttica trend up some more, and then jump on the Titans like Vince Young on a chicken wing. Oh, and GO TITS! Ahem.
Colts (-1) at Vikings
Well, then. What are we to do here? We have two teams that underachieved significantly in their first game, yet clearly remain divisional favourites. In Indianapolis, we saw line play doom the once-unstoppable-in-Week-1 Colts, which we can only hope ushers in the Kyle Orton Era of Bacchanalian Beatdowns. In Green Bay, Tarvarnidicus Jackson and some poor execution and penalties on defense led to Aaron Rodgers' Proboscis leading the Pack to victory. Predictably enough, it's going to come down to line and QB play again this week, with the Williams Twins forcing a lot of passing, which, unfortunately for the Vikings plays right into Peyton Manning's hands. However, if Peyton continues the check down parade he started last week, even Tarvacorvenious Jackson may be able to steal the win. Also, Colts DT Ed Johnson has been cut for off-field transgressions (presumably, the Bengals will pick him up shortly), which only hampers the sieve that is the Colts' line further. I would begrudgingly take the Colts here, as the Vikings secondary is equally sieve-like, allowing Rodgers to sniff around the record for completion percentage in a QB's first start. I think the smart money will push the line in Indy's favor, so get this one early, if you don't decide to just stay away completely.
Saints (pk) at Redskins
Jim Zorn's hair is impeccable. Jim Zorn's play calling is not. Some see this as a trap game. Your humble narrator does not. Unless we have witnessed one of the great first game hiccups in the history of the NFL, I wouldn't count on the Redskins doing much here. Sure, there's plenty of talent on defense, but when you have Jason Campbell taking seven step drops and holding the ball for what seems like ten seconds per drop back, you're not beating anybody.
Packers (-3) at Lions
Although I think the claim is just as dubious as it is for the New Orleans/Washington game, I can see why certain citizens are crying "trap game" once again. Minnesota certainly took an inordinate number of red zone penalties to allow Green Bay to get ahead and Atlanta certainly rattled off an inordinate number of big plays to get such a huge lead. I think Detroit's late points and the Pack's Favre-lessness are scaring people more than they ought. Stay with the Bay.
Bears (+3) at Panthers
Last week's upset specials square off in a game of "which QB will hurt his team the least." I think the Panthers' defense should rebound this year significantly, and I like their running tandem a lot more than I like anything the Bears have going on. I rode the Panthers last week and I won't let the fact that they start a well-known actress at tight end change my mind. As much as I want Kyle Orton's Rumspringa to blissfully continue, I like Carolina, so long as the line stays where it is.
Giants (-9) at Rams
Another game seemingly fashioned to make Eli Manning look like an elite quarterback? As much as it pains me to bet against a homedog that's nearing double digits, if pressed, I'd have to take New York. The Rams are in free fall and haven't come within nine points of any team since their victory against Emmitt Thomas' Falcons in Week 13. Have mercy. My only fear is Eli sputtering in the red zone and not getting the requisite points.
Bills (+6) at Jaguars
I loathe this game. I hate it with the intensity one usually reserves for papercuts, traffic jams, xmas music, and Tom Brady. We all know that Jacksonville is more than capable of bouncing back from a tough game, but it certainly makes it difficult when you've lost both your starting guards and your most productive Week One receiver knows what a "nummy" tastes like. Buffalo may or may not be competitive, as we'll never know if Mike Holmgren truly cannot see past the fat of his jowls, or if Marv Levy's Special Teams Tasker Force still lives on. Any team that relies that heavily on Roscoe Parrish and Special Teams ingenuity and can transfer that into weekly success deserves kudos, but that remains to be seen. With the line shrinking the way it has been, I'll be taking the Jags.
I've indulged myself enough this morning. I'll try to find the time to serve up a second portion of this week's lines before the games begin. If the weekend gets away from me, fret not, for even in my entirely-legal-no-money-changed-hands-good-time-had-by-all-office-pool, I barely made over the vig.
Auf Wiedersehen, degenerate gamblers.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Quickly, Before the Games Recommence!
There's little time, so here's a less loquacious take on the next round:
1 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. 6 Philadelphia Flyers
Two teams I feel guilty rooting for square off. I abhor Philly for fleecing us in the offseason and sticking us with Foppa for such a fleeting moment in time. I loathe Pittsburgh for the same reasons I've loathed teams the likes of the late 80s/early 90s 49ers, the late 90s Yankees, and this century's New England squads: they're just implacably good. However, unlike the aforementioned goliaths, this Pittsburgh team does not send out hate-able and sycophantic softheads like the Steve Young (actual offspring of one of the original Mormon Morons, one Brigham Young!), Derek Jeter, (whom women find attractive despite his clearly having hydrocephalus or, perhaps, fetal alcohol sydrome), or Tom Brady (my bile would not be contained by mere parenthetical ellipses). Crosby, Malkin, and company seem likable and hard-working, lest ye buy that the youngsters are prone to the latest "most heinous act in hockey." Some call it "diving," some call it "embellishment," but it just looks like soccer to me. I'd have to more to say on this, but let's get to the forecast for the week's games. I like the Penguins simply because of their youth, the time off, and the speed on defense. Philly can score goals aplenty, but their defense features some sloths, such as Derian Hatcher, who'll be hard-pressed to keep up with the young guns. Give me the Penguins in 6.
1 Detroit Red Wings vs. 5 Dallas Stars
Are the Stars in alignment? Brendan Morrow would bloody my nose for such punnery. Morrow would be my Conn Smythe pick, if forced to make one prematurely, but Henrik Zetterberg would be a close second. The Wings haven't really been tested, while the Stars have weathered the storms of two of the finest clubs in hockey. Who benefits, there? If this were any team but the Robotic Red Wings, I'd say it's good for the Stars, but it may favor the Wings, in this instance. My rationale is that I believe the Red Wings to be unflappable alien cyborgs who play the same regardless of opponent or pressure. Oh, how I hate them for it. Even if the Stars continue to be superb on both ends, this series will go deep. My only hope is that Turco continues his dominance and Osgood reverts back into Billy Batson. Give me the Stars in 7. This might be wishful thinking, but, sometimes, good does win out over evil, yes?
Before I dash, here is a bit of the ol' mainstream sports for you:
Things I could do in the span of time between Rafael Betancourt pitches:
1. Sing The Battle Hymn of the Republic. Or at least hum it.
2. Clean my room. In the dark.
3. Name the entire 1986 New York Giants starting roster. And I'm no Giants fan.
4. Procreate. Sadly enough.
Oh, and here's to Chris Lofton's remaining testicle!
1 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. 6 Philadelphia Flyers
Two teams I feel guilty rooting for square off. I abhor Philly for fleecing us in the offseason and sticking us with Foppa for such a fleeting moment in time. I loathe Pittsburgh for the same reasons I've loathed teams the likes of the late 80s/early 90s 49ers, the late 90s Yankees, and this century's New England squads: they're just implacably good. However, unlike the aforementioned goliaths, this Pittsburgh team does not send out hate-able and sycophantic softheads like the Steve Young (actual offspring of one of the original Mormon Morons, one Brigham Young!), Derek Jeter, (whom women find attractive despite his clearly having hydrocephalus or, perhaps, fetal alcohol sydrome), or Tom Brady (my bile would not be contained by mere parenthetical ellipses). Crosby, Malkin, and company seem likable and hard-working, lest ye buy that the youngsters are prone to the latest "most heinous act in hockey." Some call it "diving," some call it "embellishment," but it just looks like soccer to me. I'd have to more to say on this, but let's get to the forecast for the week's games. I like the Penguins simply because of their youth, the time off, and the speed on defense. Philly can score goals aplenty, but their defense features some sloths, such as Derian Hatcher, who'll be hard-pressed to keep up with the young guns. Give me the Penguins in 6.
1 Detroit Red Wings vs. 5 Dallas Stars
Are the Stars in alignment? Brendan Morrow would bloody my nose for such punnery. Morrow would be my Conn Smythe pick, if forced to make one prematurely, but Henrik Zetterberg would be a close second. The Wings haven't really been tested, while the Stars have weathered the storms of two of the finest clubs in hockey. Who benefits, there? If this were any team but the Robotic Red Wings, I'd say it's good for the Stars, but it may favor the Wings, in this instance. My rationale is that I believe the Red Wings to be unflappable alien cyborgs who play the same regardless of opponent or pressure. Oh, how I hate them for it. Even if the Stars continue to be superb on both ends, this series will go deep. My only hope is that Turco continues his dominance and Osgood reverts back into Billy Batson. Give me the Stars in 7. This might be wishful thinking, but, sometimes, good does win out over evil, yes?
Before I dash, here is a bit of the ol' mainstream sports for you:
Things I could do in the span of time between Rafael Betancourt pitches:
1. Sing The Battle Hymn of the Republic. Or at least hum it.
2. Clean my room. In the dark.
3. Name the entire 1986 New York Giants starting roster. And I'm no Giants fan.
4. Procreate. Sadly enough.
Oh, and here's to Chris Lofton's remaining testicle!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Yea, Verily, I am but a Fool, or, Let Us Hope That My Prognostication Meliorates
Forgive me for avoiding your gaze when next we meet, but I can't hide my shame any longer. First, there was my woeful showing during the NCAA Tournament, where my penultimate placing served as a staggering blow. And now this: I go 4 for 8 in the first round of The Stanley Cup Playoffs, including losing my predicted champion. Certainly, this ranks among my greatest defeats. "Pray tell, what happened," you ask, dear reader? Perhaps a look at the next round will bring my mistakes to light.
1 Detroit Red Wings vs. 6 Colorado Avalanche
The series everyone wants to see. Everyone, it seems, save your humble narrator. I hate both of these clubs. Yes, Claude Lemieux was a loathsome turtle of a player, but for every Lemieux on the Avs, there's a Kris Draper and a Kirk Maltby on the Wings. Now that Detroit has added fellow floppers Dan Cleary and Chris Chelios, I think it's safe to say that both teams are equally hate-able. I'd like to root for the Avs, but watching Forsberg wreak havoc in Denver after his pathetic run with my dear Predators is a little like watching your ex-girlfriend lose twenty pounds and suddenly resume shtupping an old beau. In a word: nauseating. Can't these teams both lose? Anyways, for all the talk of the old rivalry, these teams are both fairly re-energized by both youthful new stars and canny veteran acquisitions. I see the Avs as a more talented Predators team, in that they play similar forechecking styles, only the Avs have 3 dangerous lines, as opposed to the Preds sole scoring line. Despite the Avs being thrice as dangerous as the Preds, I still think Detroit will be able to shut them down for at least a game or two on enemy ice, which ought to be enough to pull out a close victory. And maybe, if we're lucky, Dallas Drake and Ian Laperrier will punch each other in the face a bunch. Wings in 7.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Wings/Predators series:
1. Niklas Kronwall is a complete motherfucker. While I am not averse to a bit of blue language now and again, rarely will you find it in my written word. Kronwall serves as an exception. He had a nasty series, helping shut down the Preds' top line and laying a number of vicious borderline hits.
2. The Predators were, by far, the worst team in the playoffs. Having said that, they showed testicular fortitude by stealing a couple of games and were buoyed by a decibel-defying home crowd. Having been in attendance at Games 3 and 4, I sit, hearing irreparably damaged, as a testament to this town's love of hockey.
3. The only way anyone is going to beat Detroit is to slow down their transition game, which Nashville accomplished only in Game 3. Colorado has a couple of lines that can do just that, but Mike Babcock is twice the coach Joel Quenneville will ever be and I cannot imagine that Babcock won't use that home ice advantage to get the right matchups. Also, it must be noted that Quenneville looks and sounds just like character actor Denis Farina. If you don't know, you better ask somebody.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Wild/Avs Series:
1. Are there two worse franchise names in major sports? (I know, I know.......Hockey is about as relevant as Dom Deluise these days) What were we watching here? MLS? AFL? WNBA?
2. That first game was a classic. 2 reviewed goals, 2 shots off the post, and a penalty shot. All in the third period. Theodore stole this game and, ultimately, the series.
3. Marian Gaborik feels the shame. The shame of a million molested sons.
2 San Jose Sharks vs. 5 Dallas Stars
Well, Calgary almost made me look like a genius. I can't feel too guilty, though, for how could anyone expect septuagenarian Jeremy Roenick to get four points in Game 7? I really didn't foresee Joe Thornton putting the bong down, either. Oh, well. At least I don't have to listen to announcers fellate Dion Phaneuf any longer. The guy plays no defense and has one of the least accurate shots from the point I have seen in hockey. I'm not saying he isn't any good, but the non-stop heavy petting from announcers has to stop. As smart as Calgary taking San Jose to the limit made me look, the Ducks getting ousted showed my true nature as sports soothsayer. Although I knew Dallas would be a tough opponent, I had no inkling what easy prey the Ducks would be for them. Despite the collective collapse of my forecast, this should be a great series. Even if Thornton and Marleau revert to their former states as lackadaisical luddites, Evgeni Nabokov has revealed himself to be the ubermensch super-soldier that Mother Russia has been promising and will keep them in this series (Sorry to mix American nemeses, but, really, can't we combine Germany, Russia, and maybe Iran and just call their country "The Nation-State of A-Team Enemies"?). Anaheim looked weak, but Dallas' potency was downright scary at times. I don't like the goalie matchup for Dallas in this series, but I think they have everything else in their favor. Plus, they get second best defenceman in the game back for this series in Sergei Zubov. I envision this series will play out like Shostakovich's Seventh Symphony, with Nabokov as Dmitri himself, pulling a masterpiece from his helmet, even as Leningrad burns. Leningrad being, in this case, The Shark Tank. Stars in six.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Sharks/Flames Series:
1. I'm all for Playoff Beards. Scott Niedermeyer, Jeff Fisher, Lanny McDonald. These were men. Men with beards grown, specifically, for the playoffs. As soon as I saw that the Flames were not sporting Plaoyoff Beards but, rather, Playoff Mohawks, I knew that all was lost. Dion Phaneuf went so low as to go with the Playoff Faux-hawk. Somewhere Theo Fleury is crying into his beer
2. What happened in Game 7? The Flames had just shut them out, with Kipper looking like the bearded viking robot of old and then, suddenly, they get pounded in Game 7? What the?
3. To answer my own question, somehow The Sharks found a way to import the EA Sports NHL '94 Video Game Jeremy Roenick into the real world. How did this happen? Is this Weird Science? Is my brother Chet, portrayed by Bill Paxton, waiting at home to blow cigar smoke into my face?
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Stars/Ducks Series:
1. I think Mike Modano might actually be unstoppable now that he is mostly just a Powerplay specialist. With Ribeiro out there putting on a show in even-strength situations(8 points? Playing for Dallas? Against the Ducks?), Old Man Modano can now just bide his time and wait for the man advantage, at which point he automatically scores or, at the very least, causes the opposing goalie's hair to turn grey. Seriously, he has reached the aforementioned "Jeremy Roenick in EA Sports NHL '94" Level Automatic.
2. Thanks largely to Modano, the Stars scored 10 PP Goals against a team that knows how to kill penalties. Why do the Ducks know how to kill penalties? Well, it's purported that they are rough and tumble so-and-sos who refused to be pushed around. Apparently, Steve Ott, Stephane Robidas, and Brendan Morrow didn't get the memo. The Stars have sand, whatever that means. Canadians refuse to elaborate.
3. Evgeni Nabokov is manlier than Billy the Indian in Predator. It must be said.
1 Montreal Canadiens vs. 6 Philadelphia Flyers
Both of these teams barely escaped series that, hopefully, will rekindle two old rivalries. The Flyers rode Danny Briere and Mike Richards to a gritty victory over a one-man squad. The Habs took it to the Bruins early, only to allow their rookie goalie to nearly blow the series before he, suddenly and with bravado, redeemed himself. I can't imagine the Canadiens having two consecutive sluggish series, so I expect them to come out, ahem, flying. While I think the Flyers present some problems for the Habs, I think their defense is too young and too slow to stop the fleet-footed French-Canadians. The Flyers have the forwards to keep this close, but this will come down to which goaltender really has the stuff, and I don't think that it's career backup Marty Biron. Habs in seven.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Habs/Bruins Series:
1. Phil Kessel has more talent in his one remaining testicle than any other offensive forward on the Bruins roster. If the Bruins brass scratch him ever again (insert scrotum joke here), then, truly, Bruins fans are as cursed as they claim. Between Kessel, Inhuman Monster Zdeno Chara, and Inhuman Monster Jr. Milan Lucic, the Bruins have a chance to be really good.
2. The Kostitsyn Brothers are everything the Sedins are purported to be and more. They may not exhibit the same level of creepiness but, boy howdy, can they play.
3. Carey Price has Garth Brooks on his helmet. I wish it was Chris Gaines, instead.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Flyers/Caps Series:
1. Without Huet and Ovechkin on the ice, that series doesn't come close to seven games. While Ovie may have not had an amazing series, the attention he receives on the ice is Gretzky-like. Huet played in front of one of the most half-assed, shoot-first, irresponsible defensive squads in the league and somehow parlayed that into a tight series. Give that man a steak sandwich. And a steak sandwich.
2. Everyone thought Chris Drury was the clutch guy from the Sabres. What about Daniel Briere? I know when I mention the number eleven, one's first guess would be that I was referring to Danny Boy's age, but the man scored that many points in this series! I've also learned that the man has an absurd number of children. Like, an absurd Travis Henry-level number of children. So what did we learn? Even Briere's sperm is clutch.
3. Watching Patrick Thoresen get hit in the crotch with that Mike Green slapshot ranks among the all-time gruesome things I've seen in my life. It ranks somewhere between seeing Maria Bello fondle William H. Macy's junk in The Cooler and Willis McGahee's knee exploding. No, I've never watched Two Girls, One Cup.
2 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. 5 New York Rangers
Sean Avery, I'd like you to meet Gary Roberts. Excellent. Now that he has punched you right in your face, I'd like you to meet Georges LaRaque. Mr. Avery? Hello? Hello? When he wakes up, somebody tell him to pick up that blood Penguins in five.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Rangers/Devils Series
1. Scott Gomez absolutely murdered his former teammates. He scored. He had assists. He actually laughed in Jay Pandolfo's face. What more could you ask?
2. Amazingly, this series wasn't as boring as I thought it would be. Thank you, Mr. Avery. As an aside, who do you think was more valuable to his team: Brodeur or Avery? Cases could be made for either, I think.
3. Jaromir Jagr must have gambling debts again, because that man wants his money.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Pens/Sens Series
1. If you find yourself on the ice against Sidney Crosby and Marian Hossa, you will never, ever score. Even if you're God.
2. Gary Roberts destroyed the Senators in Game 1. He scored twice, set up a screen for another goal, and challenged the entire Sens roster to a fight. I'd like to think he was screaming, "You think you can take your old man?!" Even when Chris Neil tried to retaliate over the course of the series, it was too little, too late. The old man had already won.
3. This isn't really about the series, per se, but do you think it's possible that this Senators season might have revealed the presence of an actual evil force on Planet Earth? A force so malevolent that mere words fail to properly describe it. Some cultures call it the devil, some Satan, some Beelzebub. But maybe, just maybe, we've learned that force's true name: Ray Emery.
There be my latest grim auguries. I advise you to bet against me.
Before I bid you all adieu, I'd like to state three non-hockey facts:
1. Prince Fielder is the fattest vegetarian who has ever walked the Earth. And, no, I don't believe in dinosaurs. Carl Everett told me that fossils were put on Earth to test our faith and, you know what, I believe the guy.
2. Announcing that the number one NFL draft pick has already been signed is not unethical. It just makes you a dickhead journalist who hates his fellow sportsman.
3. Chris Paul is the MVP.
1 Detroit Red Wings vs. 6 Colorado Avalanche
The series everyone wants to see. Everyone, it seems, save your humble narrator. I hate both of these clubs. Yes, Claude Lemieux was a loathsome turtle of a player, but for every Lemieux on the Avs, there's a Kris Draper and a Kirk Maltby on the Wings. Now that Detroit has added fellow floppers Dan Cleary and Chris Chelios, I think it's safe to say that both teams are equally hate-able. I'd like to root for the Avs, but watching Forsberg wreak havoc in Denver after his pathetic run with my dear Predators is a little like watching your ex-girlfriend lose twenty pounds and suddenly resume shtupping an old beau. In a word: nauseating. Can't these teams both lose? Anyways, for all the talk of the old rivalry, these teams are both fairly re-energized by both youthful new stars and canny veteran acquisitions. I see the Avs as a more talented Predators team, in that they play similar forechecking styles, only the Avs have 3 dangerous lines, as opposed to the Preds sole scoring line. Despite the Avs being thrice as dangerous as the Preds, I still think Detroit will be able to shut them down for at least a game or two on enemy ice, which ought to be enough to pull out a close victory. And maybe, if we're lucky, Dallas Drake and Ian Laperrier will punch each other in the face a bunch. Wings in 7.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Wings/Predators series:
1. Niklas Kronwall is a complete motherfucker. While I am not averse to a bit of blue language now and again, rarely will you find it in my written word. Kronwall serves as an exception. He had a nasty series, helping shut down the Preds' top line and laying a number of vicious borderline hits.
2. The Predators were, by far, the worst team in the playoffs. Having said that, they showed testicular fortitude by stealing a couple of games and were buoyed by a decibel-defying home crowd. Having been in attendance at Games 3 and 4, I sit, hearing irreparably damaged, as a testament to this town's love of hockey.
3. The only way anyone is going to beat Detroit is to slow down their transition game, which Nashville accomplished only in Game 3. Colorado has a couple of lines that can do just that, but Mike Babcock is twice the coach Joel Quenneville will ever be and I cannot imagine that Babcock won't use that home ice advantage to get the right matchups. Also, it must be noted that Quenneville looks and sounds just like character actor Denis Farina. If you don't know, you better ask somebody.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Wild/Avs Series:
1. Are there two worse franchise names in major sports? (I know, I know.......Hockey is about as relevant as Dom Deluise these days) What were we watching here? MLS? AFL? WNBA?
2. That first game was a classic. 2 reviewed goals, 2 shots off the post, and a penalty shot. All in the third period. Theodore stole this game and, ultimately, the series.
3. Marian Gaborik feels the shame. The shame of a million molested sons.
2 San Jose Sharks vs. 5 Dallas Stars
Well, Calgary almost made me look like a genius. I can't feel too guilty, though, for how could anyone expect septuagenarian Jeremy Roenick to get four points in Game 7? I really didn't foresee Joe Thornton putting the bong down, either. Oh, well. At least I don't have to listen to announcers fellate Dion Phaneuf any longer. The guy plays no defense and has one of the least accurate shots from the point I have seen in hockey. I'm not saying he isn't any good, but the non-stop heavy petting from announcers has to stop. As smart as Calgary taking San Jose to the limit made me look, the Ducks getting ousted showed my true nature as sports soothsayer. Although I knew Dallas would be a tough opponent, I had no inkling what easy prey the Ducks would be for them. Despite the collective collapse of my forecast, this should be a great series. Even if Thornton and Marleau revert to their former states as lackadaisical luddites, Evgeni Nabokov has revealed himself to be the ubermensch super-soldier that Mother Russia has been promising and will keep them in this series (Sorry to mix American nemeses, but, really, can't we combine Germany, Russia, and maybe Iran and just call their country "The Nation-State of A-Team Enemies"?). Anaheim looked weak, but Dallas' potency was downright scary at times. I don't like the goalie matchup for Dallas in this series, but I think they have everything else in their favor. Plus, they get second best defenceman in the game back for this series in Sergei Zubov. I envision this series will play out like Shostakovich's Seventh Symphony, with Nabokov as Dmitri himself, pulling a masterpiece from his helmet, even as Leningrad burns. Leningrad being, in this case, The Shark Tank. Stars in six.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Sharks/Flames Series:
1. I'm all for Playoff Beards. Scott Niedermeyer, Jeff Fisher, Lanny McDonald. These were men. Men with beards grown, specifically, for the playoffs. As soon as I saw that the Flames were not sporting Plaoyoff Beards but, rather, Playoff Mohawks, I knew that all was lost. Dion Phaneuf went so low as to go with the Playoff Faux-hawk. Somewhere Theo Fleury is crying into his beer
2. What happened in Game 7? The Flames had just shut them out, with Kipper looking like the bearded viking robot of old and then, suddenly, they get pounded in Game 7? What the?
3. To answer my own question, somehow The Sharks found a way to import the EA Sports NHL '94 Video Game Jeremy Roenick into the real world. How did this happen? Is this Weird Science? Is my brother Chet, portrayed by Bill Paxton, waiting at home to blow cigar smoke into my face?
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Stars/Ducks Series:
1. I think Mike Modano might actually be unstoppable now that he is mostly just a Powerplay specialist. With Ribeiro out there putting on a show in even-strength situations(8 points? Playing for Dallas? Against the Ducks?), Old Man Modano can now just bide his time and wait for the man advantage, at which point he automatically scores or, at the very least, causes the opposing goalie's hair to turn grey. Seriously, he has reached the aforementioned "Jeremy Roenick in EA Sports NHL '94" Level Automatic.
2. Thanks largely to Modano, the Stars scored 10 PP Goals against a team that knows how to kill penalties. Why do the Ducks know how to kill penalties? Well, it's purported that they are rough and tumble so-and-sos who refused to be pushed around. Apparently, Steve Ott, Stephane Robidas, and Brendan Morrow didn't get the memo. The Stars have sand, whatever that means. Canadians refuse to elaborate.
3. Evgeni Nabokov is manlier than Billy the Indian in Predator. It must be said.
1 Montreal Canadiens vs. 6 Philadelphia Flyers
Both of these teams barely escaped series that, hopefully, will rekindle two old rivalries. The Flyers rode Danny Briere and Mike Richards to a gritty victory over a one-man squad. The Habs took it to the Bruins early, only to allow their rookie goalie to nearly blow the series before he, suddenly and with bravado, redeemed himself. I can't imagine the Canadiens having two consecutive sluggish series, so I expect them to come out, ahem, flying. While I think the Flyers present some problems for the Habs, I think their defense is too young and too slow to stop the fleet-footed French-Canadians. The Flyers have the forwards to keep this close, but this will come down to which goaltender really has the stuff, and I don't think that it's career backup Marty Biron. Habs in seven.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Habs/Bruins Series:
1. Phil Kessel has more talent in his one remaining testicle than any other offensive forward on the Bruins roster. If the Bruins brass scratch him ever again (insert scrotum joke here), then, truly, Bruins fans are as cursed as they claim. Between Kessel, Inhuman Monster Zdeno Chara, and Inhuman Monster Jr. Milan Lucic, the Bruins have a chance to be really good.
2. The Kostitsyn Brothers are everything the Sedins are purported to be and more. They may not exhibit the same level of creepiness but, boy howdy, can they play.
3. Carey Price has Garth Brooks on his helmet. I wish it was Chris Gaines, instead.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Flyers/Caps Series:
1. Without Huet and Ovechkin on the ice, that series doesn't come close to seven games. While Ovie may have not had an amazing series, the attention he receives on the ice is Gretzky-like. Huet played in front of one of the most half-assed, shoot-first, irresponsible defensive squads in the league and somehow parlayed that into a tight series. Give that man a steak sandwich. And a steak sandwich.
2. Everyone thought Chris Drury was the clutch guy from the Sabres. What about Daniel Briere? I know when I mention the number eleven, one's first guess would be that I was referring to Danny Boy's age, but the man scored that many points in this series! I've also learned that the man has an absurd number of children. Like, an absurd Travis Henry-level number of children. So what did we learn? Even Briere's sperm is clutch.
3. Watching Patrick Thoresen get hit in the crotch with that Mike Green slapshot ranks among the all-time gruesome things I've seen in my life. It ranks somewhere between seeing Maria Bello fondle William H. Macy's junk in The Cooler and Willis McGahee's knee exploding. No, I've never watched Two Girls, One Cup.
2 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. 5 New York Rangers
Sean Avery, I'd like you to meet Gary Roberts. Excellent. Now that he has punched you right in your face, I'd like you to meet Georges LaRaque. Mr. Avery? Hello? Hello? When he wakes up, somebody tell him to pick up that blood Penguins in five.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Rangers/Devils Series
1. Scott Gomez absolutely murdered his former teammates. He scored. He had assists. He actually laughed in Jay Pandolfo's face. What more could you ask?
2. Amazingly, this series wasn't as boring as I thought it would be. Thank you, Mr. Avery. As an aside, who do you think was more valuable to his team: Brodeur or Avery? Cases could be made for either, I think.
3. Jaromir Jagr must have gambling debts again, because that man wants his money.
Three Things That Must Be Said Concerning the Pens/Sens Series
1. If you find yourself on the ice against Sidney Crosby and Marian Hossa, you will never, ever score. Even if you're God.
2. Gary Roberts destroyed the Senators in Game 1. He scored twice, set up a screen for another goal, and challenged the entire Sens roster to a fight. I'd like to think he was screaming, "You think you can take your old man?!" Even when Chris Neil tried to retaliate over the course of the series, it was too little, too late. The old man had already won.
3. This isn't really about the series, per se, but do you think it's possible that this Senators season might have revealed the presence of an actual evil force on Planet Earth? A force so malevolent that mere words fail to properly describe it. Some cultures call it the devil, some Satan, some Beelzebub. But maybe, just maybe, we've learned that force's true name: Ray Emery.
There be my latest grim auguries. I advise you to bet against me.
Before I bid you all adieu, I'd like to state three non-hockey facts:
1. Prince Fielder is the fattest vegetarian who has ever walked the Earth. And, no, I don't believe in dinosaurs. Carl Everett told me that fossils were put on Earth to test our faith and, you know what, I believe the guy.
2. Announcing that the number one NFL draft pick has already been signed is not unethical. It just makes you a dickhead journalist who hates his fellow sportsman.
3. Chris Paul is the MVP.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
An Opening Salvo of Links, or, Apologies in Advance for All the Hockey
Salvo is one of those words with two very disparate meanings. The first, more well-known meaning involves fellows firing guns. The second definition is as follows:
Now I bring to you, dear readers, truly, an opening salvo of sporting links, for I can't imagine anyone is ready for the sheer amount of ludicrous hockey blogging I am about to post. Here's hoping these links serve as a most soothing salve.
Sites Worth Checking Regularly:
Baseball Prospectus
Thanks to Bill James' incessant and sometimes-creepy statistical analysis, there exists a new breed of sportsfan: the sabermetrician. In similar fashion to the way the ex-geeks from high school have purchased cool, thanks to jobs in either graphic design or music journalism, the ex-team managers have overtaken the realm of being sports-savvy, thanks to huddling over stat sheets until the numbers speak to them. No longer does the ex-jock reign supreme over the watercooler. Now the guys who used to collect the aforementioned jock's laundry hold court in sports blogs and chatrooms everywhere. Despite the generally unpleasant nature of Bill James' brood, they really do know their shit. I wouldn't want to share a bathroom with these guys, though. Pubes-on-the-soap city.
Basketball Prospectus
Second verse, same as the first. This site's Ken Pomeroy deserves special mention for being a fucking genius.
Football Outsiders
Completing the holy trinity of stat-obsessed sports sites, this one is perhaps the best of the three. I think this is due, in large part, to football being less of a statistician's sport, thereby forcing some analysis that isn't completely numbers-driven.
Austin Gray's College Hoops Blog
The blog partially responsible for mine own fledgling blog, as I probably would have just continued flooding his comments page, until I realised that college basketball would soon be over. Knowing Austin, his blog will shortly begin to feature English Premier League Soccer, whatever that is, and other sports, as the guy has too much to say to keep quiet until next season.
No Mas
Austin recently introduced me to this one. Look at those shirts! Holy Moly! I know I don't wear t-shirts, but I would certainly sport that "Chief and Chong" number, whilst I grill out.
Bill Simmons
An oldie, to be sure, but Simmons still brings the goods from time-to-time. His Bostonian homer-ism can be infuriating, and he knows next to nothing about the NFL, but his NBA and MLB musings are still quite humorous.
Link Redacted
The Music City Sportsman in no form or fashion supports illegal sports wagering. (Strike that, reverse it.)
These sites have fattened and flattened my ass like no other, and misery loves company. Beware! Peruse at your own risk!
Before leaving you with one last link, I urge you to catch SportsCenter this evening. Not only is there a Todd McShay/Mel Kiper, Jr. scuffle the likes of which Sean Salisbury and John Clayton should envy, but there is the hysterical Miguel Tejada interview. Brace yourself, for Miggy's quest to remove his microphone is epic!
Here Lies The Link of The Evening:
Dan, You Ignorant Slut.
Jay Bilas takes Dan LeRetard to school over some misguided racial baiting. It's no secret that Bilas is not a man with whom to get litigious, but you can really hear his inner-lawyer/alien police officer come out in his terse dismissal of Dan's argument (in case you didn't know that Bilas was, indeed, an actual alien, here's your proof). This is Orson-Welles-Drunken-Outtakes-Level-Funny to me.
There you have it. Prepare yourself to be inundated with NHL content in the coming days. It shan't be pretty.
| 1. | an excuse or quibbling evasion. |
| 2. | something to save a person's reputation or soothe a person's feelings. |
Now I bring to you, dear readers, truly, an opening salvo of sporting links, for I can't imagine anyone is ready for the sheer amount of ludicrous hockey blogging I am about to post. Here's hoping these links serve as a most soothing salve.
Sites Worth Checking Regularly:
Baseball Prospectus
Thanks to Bill James' incessant and sometimes-creepy statistical analysis, there exists a new breed of sportsfan: the sabermetrician. In similar fashion to the way the ex-geeks from high school have purchased cool, thanks to jobs in either graphic design or music journalism, the ex-team managers have overtaken the realm of being sports-savvy, thanks to huddling over stat sheets until the numbers speak to them. No longer does the ex-jock reign supreme over the watercooler. Now the guys who used to collect the aforementioned jock's laundry hold court in sports blogs and chatrooms everywhere. Despite the generally unpleasant nature of Bill James' brood, they really do know their shit. I wouldn't want to share a bathroom with these guys, though. Pubes-on-the-soap city.
Basketball Prospectus
Second verse, same as the first. This site's Ken Pomeroy deserves special mention for being a fucking genius.
Football Outsiders
Completing the holy trinity of stat-obsessed sports sites, this one is perhaps the best of the three. I think this is due, in large part, to football being less of a statistician's sport, thereby forcing some analysis that isn't completely numbers-driven.
Austin Gray's College Hoops Blog
The blog partially responsible for mine own fledgling blog, as I probably would have just continued flooding his comments page, until I realised that college basketball would soon be over. Knowing Austin, his blog will shortly begin to feature English Premier League Soccer, whatever that is, and other sports, as the guy has too much to say to keep quiet until next season.
No Mas
Austin recently introduced me to this one. Look at those shirts! Holy Moly! I know I don't wear t-shirts, but I would certainly sport that "Chief and Chong" number, whilst I grill out.
Bill Simmons
An oldie, to be sure, but Simmons still brings the goods from time-to-time. His Bostonian homer-ism can be infuriating, and he knows next to nothing about the NFL, but his NBA and MLB musings are still quite humorous.
Link Redacted
The Music City Sportsman in no form or fashion supports illegal sports wagering. (Strike that, reverse it.)
These sites have fattened and flattened my ass like no other, and misery loves company. Beware! Peruse at your own risk!
Before leaving you with one last link, I urge you to catch SportsCenter this evening. Not only is there a Todd McShay/Mel Kiper, Jr. scuffle the likes of which Sean Salisbury and John Clayton should envy, but there is the hysterical Miguel Tejada interview. Brace yourself, for Miggy's quest to remove his microphone is epic!
Here Lies The Link of The Evening:
Dan, You Ignorant Slut.
Jay Bilas takes Dan LeRetard to school over some misguided racial baiting. It's no secret that Bilas is not a man with whom to get litigious, but you can really hear his inner-lawyer/alien police officer come out in his terse dismissal of Dan's argument (in case you didn't know that Bilas was, indeed, an actual alien, here's your proof). This is Orson-Welles-Drunken-Outtakes-Level-Funny to me.
There you have it. Prepare yourself to be inundated with NHL content in the coming days. It shan't be pretty.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Prefatory Remarks on the NHL Playoffs
WESTERN CONFERENCE FIRST ROUND
1 Detroit Red Wings vs. 8 Nashville Predators
To fully disclose, I must admit to being a Predators season ticket holder, which will most certainly lead to your humble prognosticator giving the Preds at least one game they don't deserve. Despite playing the Wings closely and nearly splitting the season series, Nashville will have to play with much more aplomb than usual. Penalties don't come cheap in the playoffs, but that's never stopped morons like Scooter Nichol from doing something horribly illegal and opening the Preds up for the third best Powerplay unit in the league. I fully realise that the Preds sport the palindromic third best Penalty Kill unit, but it's been less than stellar against Detroit's well-oiled machine. Nashville's only hope is to forecheck the Wings' defencemen into oblivion while simultaneously avoiding the box. Not a likely scenario. Wings in six. And I do hope the Sommet Center doesn't end up a second home for carpetbagging Motown miscreants.
2 San Jose Sharks vs. 7 Calgary Flames
Ah, the prediction that will almost certainly undo my already-suspect soothsaying. I like the Flames. To say Calgary has been inconsistent is like saying Heath Ledger is dead, but when you have a team that sports four lines of playoff veterans (the fourth line alone sports Craig Conroy AND Stephane Yelle) who can provide the sand and grit a playoff run needs while retaining a semblance of scoring touch, you can scare a team of playoff ne'er-do-wells like Thornton and Co. Throw in two bonafide gamechangers like Iginla and Kiprusoff and this series should be, at the very least, tight. Plus, Ron Wilson is a back-biting sodomite. Flames in seven.
3 Minnesota Wild vs. 6 Colorado Avalanche
This will come down to the Wild's terrifyingly terrific two lines versus the Avs' thoroughly thrilling three lines. The Slovakians of the Twin Cities will have to muster enough firepower to overcome the aging apogee that has been building in Colorado. I am fully aware of the Avs' resurgent ways since reuniting with Foppa, but you can't tell me that one of the goon ensemble in Minnesota isn't going to put Peter's peter in the ice but good. Also, I'm fairly certain Jaques Lemaire isn't above holding Peter Stastny hostage in hopes of swaying son Paul's loyalty. You know, like in the movie "Bingo." Or something. Wild in six, unless Jose Theodore remembers how he earned that Hart Trophy.
4 Anaheim Ducks vs. 5 Dallas Stars
I really, really want to take the Stars here. I truly believe last year's grueling Vancouver series erased any lingering doubts about Turco's playoff proficiency. I really think that Brad Richards will be a difference maker. I know the Ducks' top scorer may miss the entire series. I know Dallas' offense is no longer anemic and, to the contrary, quite scary with Ribeiro in the mix. I just can't get past that part where Chris Pronger is eighty feet tall and will stomp on your leg with a razor-blade to win. Also, once Ribeiro's scoring line is introduced to the formidable checking line of Pahlsson, Moen, and Niedermeyer (Rustic Rob, not Squirrely Scott), I think we'll see the Dallas offense of the past. Ducks in seven.
EASTERN CONFERENCE FIRST ROUND
1 Montreal Canadiens vs. 8 Boston Bruins
Zdeno Chara be damned, there's not much to like about Boston going up against Montreal. Unless Chara, Milan Lucic, and whatever other European monstrosities Boston employ somehow transform into some sort of man-eating hockey robot from the future, Montreal is going to put these youngsters to bed early. To paraphrase Rick Pitino: "Bobby Orr's not walking through that door." The Bruins will be lucky if their win count matches the number of testicles Phil Kessel has remaining in his scrotum. Did I say "testicles"? I meant "testicle." I beg your pardon. Habs in four.
2 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. 7 Ottawa Senators
Daniel Alfredsson is injured. Pens in four. Next.
3 Washington Capitals vs. 6 Philadelphia Flyers
It's not just that I really, really, reaaaaally want to see the Penguins play the Capitals in the next round. Really, it's not. It's also that Donald Brashear and Chris Clark will erase the face of whichever Flyer pulls that nouveau Broadstreet Bully act on any of the Caps' Asian Sensations. And before anyone asks which Washington player is Chinese, please remind yourself that RUSSIA IS IN ASIA. Also, Cristobal Huet and Olaf Kolzig have a wee bit of playoff experience on Marty Biron and Antero Niitymaki. With some reluctance, I'll take the Caps in six.
4 New Jersey Devils vs. 5 New York Rangers
While I firmly believe Marty Brodeur deserves the Vezina over Nabokov, thanks to his superior numbers on an inferior team, the Rangers' acquisition of former Devil Scott Gomez makes this too easy. Barring another Marty Miracle, which, with each year, becomes less likely, as Marty has shown signs of fatigue and/or hubris in the last couple of playoff series, the re-made Rangers should be able to outscore a typical Jersey team. Rangers in six.
WESTERN CONFERENCE SECOND ROUND
1 Detroit Red Wings vs. 7 Calgary Flames
I think Mike Keenan promises his good, Canadian boys all the ATVs, Alanis Morrissette, and sketch comedy in the world for each Swede or Russkie they bring down in this series. Call me Nostradumbass, but I feel like Calgary has the forechecking and discipline to take Detroit out of its gameplan. Plus it's time for the student to become the master, when it comes to this battle of flopping, cigarette-smoking goalies. Or, if Star Wars isn't a refined enough reference for you, then harken back to arthouse classic Roadhouse. Remember how Sam Elliott dies and Swayze lives? Well, Hasek is Elliott and Kipper is Swayze. Voila! Flames in seven.
3 Minnesota Wild vs. 4 Anaheim Ducks
The potential for pugilism is overwhelming here. With all the deadline hullabaloo, the Wild calmly, and somewhat strangely, made one acquisition: Chris Simon. That's right, stick swingin', skate stompin' Chris Simon. Jesus Christ. If the Wild's trio of Simon, Boogard (actual maniac!), and Fedoruk somehow end up on the ice with Pronger (actual maniac!), Bertuzzi (actual maniac!), and George Parros (actual moustachioed Harvard grad!), then we may have a bloodbath on our hands to rival that of The Odessa Steps. Or, at least, Total Recall. The Ducks' checking lines and defense are too much for the Wild, despite the added thuggery. Ducks in six.
EASTERN CONFERENCE SECOND ROUND
1 Montreal Canadiens vs. 5 New York Rangers
While I feel the Rangers sport forward lines that can contribute at all four levels and a fantastic, albeit irritating, goalie, the scenario remains that the Rangers defense is......well......it's not good. When Fedor Tyutin and Michal Roszival are to be counted on to stop an offense that has six players with over fifty points, that ain't good. And yes, I know Chris Drury won a Little League World Series and all, but Saku Koivu not only lost an eye and defeated cancer, but he also has a name that sounds like he competes in underground martial arts tournaments. KUMITE! KUMITE! KUMITE! Habs in seven.
2 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. 3 Washington Capitals
I know everyone is hopeful to see Sid the Kid up against Alexander the Great, but aren't we forgetting Gorgeous George Laraque meeting up with Donald "The Bashear" Brashear? The potential for tomfoolery is low, given that, after seeing their previous fights, I'm pretty sure they joined the NHL only to beat the rhythm back into white people, but, still! These men are titans! Nevertheless, I don't like the Caps' chances, as I foresee Sidney and Hossa finding synergy with the rest of the already-conflagrant Pens by this point. Pens in five.
WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS
4 Anaheim Ducks vs. 7 Calgary Flames
Calgary's adventure ablaze will become a funeral pyre, as they will surely be immolated by the still-Mighty Ducks. The Flames have never matched up well against the Ducks, which I'd like to think was catalyzed by Francois Beauchemin's pummeling of Jarome Iginla years back, rather than the Ducks simply being a faster and more talented version of what Calgary aspires to be. I wish the lesson here was "if bested in fisticuffs by a man named Francois, defeat follows you forever." However, I think the fortune, in this instance, reads: "Unless Kipprusoff stands on his head, the Flames will be lucky to win a game." Ducks in five.
EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS
1 Montreal Canadiens vs. 2 Pittsburgh Penguins
Although they split the season series, playoff hockey better suits the more pugilistic Penguins, as a "more gritty, less pretty" style will determine the winner. As much as I like the high-scoring Habs, the Pens can match them goal for goal, all the while having the personnel to push around the smaller skaters. Plus, this late in the playoffs, the Penguins' relatively superior depth will be a factor. Pens in five.
STANLEY CUP FINALS
4 Anaheim Ducks vs. 2 Pittsburgh Penguins
Pittsburgh is going to have to wait 'til Scott Niedermeyer's beard is even greyer. As loathe as I am to admit it, Anaheim's superior defencemen and goaltending just make this an arduous endeavour for the Pens. Sure, they have Malkin, the newly-returned Crosby, the newly-added Hossa, and a deep defence corps, but they also have inconsistent goaltending in Fleury and Conklin. Inconsistent goaltending that likes to give up huge rebounds. Huge rebounds the likes of which often come from the shots of Anaheim's historically great d-men. Huge rebounds the likes of which often find their way onto the sticks of Anaheim's big and hands-y forwards. If Pittsburgh gets hot enough, perhaps they can withstand the heavy-checking pressure Anaheim will levy. I think not. Give me the Ducks in six and Getzlaf for the Conn Smythe. Oh, and a tall glass of bourbon, for a world in which a cartoonist's beachfront hockey team repeats as NHL Champion is a world I need alcohol to live in.
1 Detroit Red Wings vs. 8 Nashville Predators
To fully disclose, I must admit to being a Predators season ticket holder, which will most certainly lead to your humble prognosticator giving the Preds at least one game they don't deserve. Despite playing the Wings closely and nearly splitting the season series, Nashville will have to play with much more aplomb than usual. Penalties don't come cheap in the playoffs, but that's never stopped morons like Scooter Nichol from doing something horribly illegal and opening the Preds up for the third best Powerplay unit in the league. I fully realise that the Preds sport the palindromic third best Penalty Kill unit, but it's been less than stellar against Detroit's well-oiled machine. Nashville's only hope is to forecheck the Wings' defencemen into oblivion while simultaneously avoiding the box. Not a likely scenario. Wings in six. And I do hope the Sommet Center doesn't end up a second home for carpetbagging Motown miscreants.
2 San Jose Sharks vs. 7 Calgary Flames
Ah, the prediction that will almost certainly undo my already-suspect soothsaying. I like the Flames. To say Calgary has been inconsistent is like saying Heath Ledger is dead, but when you have a team that sports four lines of playoff veterans (the fourth line alone sports Craig Conroy AND Stephane Yelle) who can provide the sand and grit a playoff run needs while retaining a semblance of scoring touch, you can scare a team of playoff ne'er-do-wells like Thornton and Co. Throw in two bonafide gamechangers like Iginla and Kiprusoff and this series should be, at the very least, tight. Plus, Ron Wilson is a back-biting sodomite. Flames in seven.
3 Minnesota Wild vs. 6 Colorado Avalanche
This will come down to the Wild's terrifyingly terrific two lines versus the Avs' thoroughly thrilling three lines. The Slovakians of the Twin Cities will have to muster enough firepower to overcome the aging apogee that has been building in Colorado. I am fully aware of the Avs' resurgent ways since reuniting with Foppa, but you can't tell me that one of the goon ensemble in Minnesota isn't going to put Peter's peter in the ice but good. Also, I'm fairly certain Jaques Lemaire isn't above holding Peter Stastny hostage in hopes of swaying son Paul's loyalty. You know, like in the movie "Bingo." Or something. Wild in six, unless Jose Theodore remembers how he earned that Hart Trophy.
4 Anaheim Ducks vs. 5 Dallas Stars
I really, really want to take the Stars here. I truly believe last year's grueling Vancouver series erased any lingering doubts about Turco's playoff proficiency. I really think that Brad Richards will be a difference maker. I know the Ducks' top scorer may miss the entire series. I know Dallas' offense is no longer anemic and, to the contrary, quite scary with Ribeiro in the mix. I just can't get past that part where Chris Pronger is eighty feet tall and will stomp on your leg with a razor-blade to win. Also, once Ribeiro's scoring line is introduced to the formidable checking line of Pahlsson, Moen, and Niedermeyer (Rustic Rob, not Squirrely Scott), I think we'll see the Dallas offense of the past. Ducks in seven.
EASTERN CONFERENCE FIRST ROUND
1 Montreal Canadiens vs. 8 Boston Bruins
Zdeno Chara be damned, there's not much to like about Boston going up against Montreal. Unless Chara, Milan Lucic, and whatever other European monstrosities Boston employ somehow transform into some sort of man-eating hockey robot from the future, Montreal is going to put these youngsters to bed early. To paraphrase Rick Pitino: "Bobby Orr's not walking through that door." The Bruins will be lucky if their win count matches the number of testicles Phil Kessel has remaining in his scrotum. Did I say "testicles"? I meant "testicle." I beg your pardon. Habs in four.
2 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. 7 Ottawa Senators
Daniel Alfredsson is injured. Pens in four. Next.
3 Washington Capitals vs. 6 Philadelphia Flyers
It's not just that I really, really, reaaaaally want to see the Penguins play the Capitals in the next round. Really, it's not. It's also that Donald Brashear and Chris Clark will erase the face of whichever Flyer pulls that nouveau Broadstreet Bully act on any of the Caps' Asian Sensations. And before anyone asks which Washington player is Chinese, please remind yourself that RUSSIA IS IN ASIA. Also, Cristobal Huet and Olaf Kolzig have a wee bit of playoff experience on Marty Biron and Antero Niitymaki. With some reluctance, I'll take the Caps in six.
4 New Jersey Devils vs. 5 New York Rangers
While I firmly believe Marty Brodeur deserves the Vezina over Nabokov, thanks to his superior numbers on an inferior team, the Rangers' acquisition of former Devil Scott Gomez makes this too easy. Barring another Marty Miracle, which, with each year, becomes less likely, as Marty has shown signs of fatigue and/or hubris in the last couple of playoff series, the re-made Rangers should be able to outscore a typical Jersey team. Rangers in six.
WESTERN CONFERENCE SECOND ROUND
1 Detroit Red Wings vs. 7 Calgary Flames
I think Mike Keenan promises his good, Canadian boys all the ATVs, Alanis Morrissette, and sketch comedy in the world for each Swede or Russkie they bring down in this series. Call me Nostradumbass, but I feel like Calgary has the forechecking and discipline to take Detroit out of its gameplan. Plus it's time for the student to become the master, when it comes to this battle of flopping, cigarette-smoking goalies. Or, if Star Wars isn't a refined enough reference for you, then harken back to arthouse classic Roadhouse. Remember how Sam Elliott dies and Swayze lives? Well, Hasek is Elliott and Kipper is Swayze. Voila! Flames in seven.
3 Minnesota Wild vs. 4 Anaheim Ducks
The potential for pugilism is overwhelming here. With all the deadline hullabaloo, the Wild calmly, and somewhat strangely, made one acquisition: Chris Simon. That's right, stick swingin', skate stompin' Chris Simon. Jesus Christ. If the Wild's trio of Simon, Boogard (actual maniac!), and Fedoruk somehow end up on the ice with Pronger (actual maniac!), Bertuzzi (actual maniac!), and George Parros (actual moustachioed Harvard grad!), then we may have a bloodbath on our hands to rival that of The Odessa Steps. Or, at least, Total Recall. The Ducks' checking lines and defense are too much for the Wild, despite the added thuggery. Ducks in six.
EASTERN CONFERENCE SECOND ROUND
1 Montreal Canadiens vs. 5 New York Rangers
While I feel the Rangers sport forward lines that can contribute at all four levels and a fantastic, albeit irritating, goalie, the scenario remains that the Rangers defense is......well......it's not good. When Fedor Tyutin and Michal Roszival are to be counted on to stop an offense that has six players with over fifty points, that ain't good. And yes, I know Chris Drury won a Little League World Series and all, but Saku Koivu not only lost an eye and defeated cancer, but he also has a name that sounds like he competes in underground martial arts tournaments. KUMITE! KUMITE! KUMITE! Habs in seven.
2 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. 3 Washington Capitals
I know everyone is hopeful to see Sid the Kid up against Alexander the Great, but aren't we forgetting Gorgeous George Laraque meeting up with Donald "The Bashear" Brashear? The potential for tomfoolery is low, given that, after seeing their previous fights, I'm pretty sure they joined the NHL only to beat the rhythm back into white people, but, still! These men are titans! Nevertheless, I don't like the Caps' chances, as I foresee Sidney and Hossa finding synergy with the rest of the already-conflagrant Pens by this point. Pens in five.
WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS
4 Anaheim Ducks vs. 7 Calgary Flames
Calgary's adventure ablaze will become a funeral pyre, as they will surely be immolated by the still-Mighty Ducks. The Flames have never matched up well against the Ducks, which I'd like to think was catalyzed by Francois Beauchemin's pummeling of Jarome Iginla years back, rather than the Ducks simply being a faster and more talented version of what Calgary aspires to be. I wish the lesson here was "if bested in fisticuffs by a man named Francois, defeat follows you forever." However, I think the fortune, in this instance, reads: "Unless Kipprusoff stands on his head, the Flames will be lucky to win a game." Ducks in five.
EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS
1 Montreal Canadiens vs. 2 Pittsburgh Penguins
Although they split the season series, playoff hockey better suits the more pugilistic Penguins, as a "more gritty, less pretty" style will determine the winner. As much as I like the high-scoring Habs, the Pens can match them goal for goal, all the while having the personnel to push around the smaller skaters. Plus, this late in the playoffs, the Penguins' relatively superior depth will be a factor. Pens in five.
STANLEY CUP FINALS
4 Anaheim Ducks vs. 2 Pittsburgh Penguins
Pittsburgh is going to have to wait 'til Scott Niedermeyer's beard is even greyer. As loathe as I am to admit it, Anaheim's superior defencemen and goaltending just make this an arduous endeavour for the Pens. Sure, they have Malkin, the newly-returned Crosby, the newly-added Hossa, and a deep defence corps, but they also have inconsistent goaltending in Fleury and Conklin. Inconsistent goaltending that likes to give up huge rebounds. Huge rebounds the likes of which often come from the shots of Anaheim's historically great d-men. Huge rebounds the likes of which often find their way onto the sticks of Anaheim's big and hands-y forwards. If Pittsburgh gets hot enough, perhaps they can withstand the heavy-checking pressure Anaheim will levy. I think not. Give me the Ducks in six and Getzlaf for the Conn Smythe. Oh, and a tall glass of bourbon, for a world in which a cartoonist's beachfront hockey team repeats as NHL Champion is a world I need alcohol to live in.
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